


But I Won't Hold My Breath

by HollowIsTheWorld



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Pirates, Alternative Universe - Gay Pirates (song), Angst, M/M, i cannot believe there is actually a tag for this song
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-18
Updated: 2014-12-18
Packaged: 2018-03-02 02:24:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2796245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HollowIsTheWorld/pseuds/HollowIsTheWorld
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Samandriel thinks about jumping ship, but reminds himself about Crowley’s reputation for hunting down deserters. He’ll keep his hormones in check for the next three years, and then switch to a new crew and never have to think about Benny again. </p><p>He's so very, very wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	But I Won't Hold My Breath

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by and based off the song 'Gay Pirates' by Cosmo Jarvis, which is a much sadder song than a song called 'Gay Pirates' has any right to be. Seriously, if you want to know what's coming, go listen to it.

Samandriel knows he’s in trouble the moment Benny Lafitte introduces himself.

He covers it up, shakes Benny’s hand and proceeds to ignore him in favor of doing his work. His heart is pounding though, and he’s more focused on making his breathing sound normal than processing any of the orders the captain’s giving him.

Samandriel thinks about jumping ship, but reminds himself about Crowley’s reputation for hunting down deserters. He’ll keep his hormones in check for the next three years, and then switch to a new crew and never have to think about Benny again.

It’ll be easy, he assures himself. Benny’s not interested back, after all. Samandriel isn’t going to spend three years swooning over a man who probably won’t even give him the time of day. The spark of interest will die off when it doesn’t get attention.

He’s so very, very wrong.

It starts slow. Benny sits next to Samandriel for meals sometimes, gives him his full and undivided attention. Samandriel sets his brain to a mantra of ‘it doesn’t mean anything’ and enjoys the company. He stifles the way his heart leaps and stutters when he notices that Benny doesn’t pay as close of attention to his conversations with the other members of the crew.

Benny teaches him a few things Samandriel doesn’t really need to know; like how to tie knots that you’d never use on a ship like this and what to watch for in the water if you’re looking for a good fishing spot, never mind that Samandriel doesn’t have any involvement in that part of the work. Samandriel teaches Benny a few tricks to map reading, navigating by the stars, and the best kind of waves to aim for or avoid. He tries to tell himself that Benny’s just bored and looking for something to do, and that he’s only repaying the favor.

Benny buys him a new jacket when they dock one day. Benny needs it more, his is practically worn through, but he won’t take no for an answer. Samandriel takes it, and prays his face isn’t turning red when their fingers touch. The coat's a little too long for his taste, but he wears it every day. He tells himself it keeps him warm because it’s a good jacket, not because Benny’s face lights up every time he sees Samandriel in it.

They’re six months into the three years when Benny kisses him for the first time. They’re alone on the deck, Samandriel at the wheel, enjoying the quiet. Benny’s standing next to him. Samandriel thinks he’s looking at the sea, but when he glances over, he’s staring at Samandriel instead. They stare at each other for a long moment, Samandriel trying to remember how to breathe, and not entirely certain it’s worth the effort.

Benny leans over and kisses him, so softly Samandriel’s not certain their lips touch. When he pulls away, it’s the first time Samandriel’s ever seen him look less than sure of himself. Samandriel fixes that by pulling him back in for another one.

They have no illusions about the danger of what they’re doing. They’ve seen the hanged men, swaying in the breeze for the crime of not being careful enough.

Samandriel voices his concerns in the privacy of a dark corner and Benny kisses him, promises in a low voice that they both know what they’re doing. He assures him they’ll be careful, they won’t be caught.

They aren’t caught kissing on the deck, or getting up to more deadly things elsewhere, but someone finds out two months later.

Samandriel doesn’t know how. It doesn’t really matter either. Someone knows.

Two someones, actually.

Benny knows them better than Samandriel does; two older crew men named Quentin and Desmond. They don’t go to Crowley. Samandriel only counts that as a blessing for a few days.

They aren’t protecting Benny and Samandriel. They’re just… bored. And with the threat of a plank or a hangman’s noose looming ahead, they know they’ve got some easy targets.

The first thing Samandriel notices is that Benny looks more tired than he used to. It takes him a week to make Benny admit that he’s been doing most of Quentin and Desmond’s work.

They have their first fight over that, and Samandriel boils about it for a few hours, until he turns a corner just in time to hear Desmond tell Benny with a laugh that it’s all a simple choice - a few less hours of sleep to fix up some boots, or all the sleep he wants once he’s found his boyfriend with his skull bashed in.

Samandriel’s knees start shaking and his face goes pale. It takes everything he has not to throw up. He stays up to help Benny, kisses him an apology, and pretends he didn’t overhear.

It stays like that for a few months. Samandriel never tells Benny he knows, but Benny figures it out before too long. It’s not hard. Benny’s tired and overworked, but they pass the one year mark like that. Benny holds his hand and whispers in his ear that they only have to hold out for two more. They can find somewhere to be by themselves after that.

But Desmond and Quentin were always bound to get bored of their game eventually. They escalate it, and Benny starts sporting bruises that match the dark circles under his eyes.

Samandriel can’t decide if he wants to cry or hit someone when it happens. He never does either, bites his lip to keep his mouth shut instead. Benny always brightens when he sees Samandriel, but he darkens again if Samandriel mentions what’s happened; hunches down with guilt and fear coating his features.

Samandriel can pretend not to notice if it keeps that expression away.

He figures that’s his role in this now. Desmond and Quentin - and now a few more crew members who have caught onto the game - seem content to have Benny as the punching bag. Benny is content to _be_ the punching bag, so long as they don’t touch Samandriel. Samandriel knows if he tries to change part of their sick little game it’ll get deadly in a rush. So he takes care of Benny when nobody watches; kisses him to remind him that he’s doing this for love, gives him massages to work out the knots of doing three times the work he’s supposed to, hoards medicines for the worst of the bruises and the cuts.

He pretends not to notice when they do something Samandriel has no power to help with, even when he wants to scream loud enough to shake the ship apart and tear apart anyone he can get his hands on.

He goes to bed one night and sees Benny sleeping on the floor instead of in his hammock, which is more yellow than white, and looks damper than it should. Samandriel gags quietly and feigns innocence. His acting skills are getting better by the day.

His hands shake and he bites his lip until it bleeds the day he notices Benny limping around the ship. When he finally catches Benny alone, the man reluctantly pulls off his shoes, and Samandriel digs his nails into his palms when shards of glass fall out of the boots. He stays silent as he helps Benny bandage himself up, not trusting himself to say the right thing. Benny kisses him after, whispers _‘eighteen months’_ in his ear.

Samandriel prays for a miracle.

Instead, three weeks later, he’s thrown down the stairs, and he can’t see anything but the bottom of boots until he finally passes out.

He wakes up to Benny cleaning his injuries, but loses consciousness again when Benny gives him an apologetic grimace before forcing his shoulder to return to where it belongs.

When he wakes up again, hours later, Benny’s running shaky fingers through his hair, saying _‘I’m so sorry’_ like it’s a prayer.

Samandriel pretends his ribs aren’t aching for over a month, until they either finally heal or else he gets used to the pain.

He gets punched a few more times, whenever someone gets it into their head that Benny isn’t playing their game as well as they’d like, but never anything so painful again. Benny confesses one night that they attacked him because he didn’t get someone’s chores done before he fell asleep. He apologizes over and over, as though a world exists where Samandriel would blame him over their crewmates. Samandriel holds him, keeps the anger out of his voice, and lies when he says that everything’s okay.

The countdown becomes Samandriel’s new prayer.

_Sixteen months._

_Fourteen months._

_Thirteen._

_A year._

_Six months._

With four months left to go, Samandriel stops sleeping. The end is in sight, but that seems to be making everything worse. The hope of actually getting away seems to be making the threat of not making it at all so much bigger. When he does sleep, it’s disturbed by dreams of dark water and ropes swinging in the wind. Benny’s always in them. He’s usually screaming.

Samandriel wakes up panting and shaking, glad he doesn’t talk in his sleep. When Benny sees he smiles sadly in understanding and holds his hands when they’re sure no one’s watching.

The end’s in sight, but a different end comes first.

Benny thinks they weren’t careful enough, that Crowley saw them.

Samandriel disagrees. Desmond and Quentin didn’t want to lose their victims, not to a happy ending. They told Crowley and Samandriel knows it.

It doesn’t matter though. He can barely bring himself to care. All the anger’s been drained out of him. Three years of struggling to stay above water has exhausted him.

If there’d been any chance of escaping, they’d have fought. Samandriel daydreams for a moment about pushing all of them overboard and sailing off into the sunset, with Benny at his side.

But they know a lost cause when it finds them. Benny kisses him one last time, long and so hard it hurts, but Samandriel kisses back with just as much fervor. This is all they’ll ever have now.

Benny kisses him again even as their hands are being forced behind their backs. There’s nothing left to lose now, Samandriel supposes.

Their crewmates tie their hands behind them, sneering and shoving, uncaring of the years of companionship. Three years ago, Samandriel might have been surprised. Now, he’s just tired. He hadn’t thought he was the type to run out of fight, but now…

Benny hisses in pain as the rope cuts into his wrists. Samandriel jerks around to look at him, concerned, as though rope burn matters right now. Benny doesn’t say anything in his own defense, but curses at Desmond when he tightens Samandriel’s binds.

They’re pushed to the plank, and Benny leans forward to whisper ‘ _I love you’_ one more time in his ear. Samandriel tries to respond, but the words catch in his throat. Benny nods though, gives Samandriel the saddest smile he’s ever seen, and that’s the last Samandriel sees of him before he’s yanked around and shoved onto the plank.

He’s not sure if he jumps or falls off the edge.

He opens his eyes when he hits the water, and everything is just dark and blue until it all stops spinning long enough for him to find Benny.

Benny’s eyes are shut and he’s gone limp. There’s a red haze in the water around him.

That hits Samandriel harder than anything else so far. He’d have cried, if there was any air to use.

Instead, he memorizes Benny’s face one last time, shuts his eyes, and takes a breath.

 


End file.
